Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
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It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
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yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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