Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
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I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
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The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize