this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Randomize
