I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
