wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
