Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize