Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
