Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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