Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
