Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
