I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
