great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Randomize
