i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
