I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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