Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
