I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
