Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
