So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
