There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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