I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
