my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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