you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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