i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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