He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
They have beer where we have blood.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
