I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
