Just mADE A PArabola og urine
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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