: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
