Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Dicks are not precious.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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