He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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