You smell like a Billy Joel song
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
