Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
