I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Is it because I queefed?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
