I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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