Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
