i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
