I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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