After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
