Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She told me I should be a condom model.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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