we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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