and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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