Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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