Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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