Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
