in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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