Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
