Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
