i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
