I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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