you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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