so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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