Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
