i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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