Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
be right there i have to get my cape
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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