her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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