Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
