Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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