i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
my being single is dangerous.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
