i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
