He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
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im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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