I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
